Heavy

Photo & Edit by Amy Ruble

This month has been tough.

I’ve been quiet because:

1. I did not even know how to put how I have been feeling into words that would make sense to anyone.
2. Someone might try to have me committed if I shared some of the thoughts that have went through my mind.

Now, I am going to preface this by saying that I am okay. There are just days that are worse than others.

If you struggle with depression, you can probably relate to some of the dark thoughts that can go through your mind that make you stop in your tracks and say to yourself, “Where did that come from? That doesn’t even sound like me.”

Depression can put thoughts in your head you never could have imagined. The feeling that someone else is taking over your brain. You don’t feel in control of your own thoughts. All these awful things are running through your head all day, sometimes for multiple days. It’s almost as though your own mind is attacking itself, attacking your heart, your emotions.

Now, I know I can acknowledge a thought and not let it take over my emotions. I do this often when it’s one thought here and there. When this goes on for hours or days, however, that is much easier said than done. It wears you down slowly until you don’t have the strength to fight back anymore.

To give a glimpse into what it is like to feel like this, here is something I wrote last week when I was in a bad space mentally:

Heavy

I’m numb.
Completely numb inside.
A heaviness on my chest makes it hard to breathe.
Every day becomes harder to get through
Acting like I’m fine is even more draining
Sleep has become my only escape
Can I just go to sleep and not wake up until these thoughts go away?
Can I exchange my messed-up brain for one that functions properly?
I don’t want to feel this way anymore
I don’t know how to make it better
Depression is like drowning and not being able to die,
Even though you really wish you could.
I’m not sure anyone can save me at this point.
I don’t even know if I have the strength to save myself anymore…

Now, this is what I was feeling at that moment. I do not feel that way every day, but I wanted to give an example of how depression can bring you to the lowest of lows and you feel like there is no way out. There’s a heaviness that weighs you down and it can really feel like you’re drowning inside yourself.

If you have experienced this or anything similar, I am sorry you have gone or are going through that. I can relate and it sucks.

If you have never experienced depression to this degree, then be thankful. I hope you never have to experience what so many have experienced and do experience daily.

There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel that is depression. Unfortunately, there are many tunnels of various lengths. But there is always a light at the end. You won’t feel this way forever. Depression tends to ebb and flow like the ocean tide. Ever-changing as the days, months, and years pass. Hold on to hope. Nothing and no one can take that away from you.

Until next time,

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